Talking about or being with?

She had been coming for a while now. She liked it here, liked the friendly atmosphere, the people, the journey. She felt safe, seen. She enjoyed being free to talk about whatever had been going on her life. About what wasn't working for her – again. She never felt judged, no matter what mood she came in or what language she used or what stories she shared. She was free to talk about what was on her heart and mind. And still, she seemed to go around in endless circles, bringing up the same old struggles, unable to see a way forward. She felt frustrated and yet, she had no idea what she could do about this…

This story could be anyone's story. I see this pattern in the clients I work with, I see it in my friends, I see it in myself. Talking about something comes easily to many people. ‘Talking about’ is not really a question of avoiding to take responsibility or rather, that's not the full story. Yes, it is sometimes (often? always?) easier to talk about other people and how unfair a situation might be rather than looking at our own piece of the puzzle. But I have found that people do this for a good reason. They might want to protect themselves or they might want to protect someone else. They might have all these feelings that are living behind the steel bars that make up their hearts, serving a life sentence. People also might be scared of what would happen if they would change tactics and step into the unknown.
The unknown. Some people are known for their passion for the unknown. They seek it out, they travel to the South Pole by foot, they climb unclimbed peaks, they travel to the Amazon to study plants, hoping to find a cure for a disease. But for most people, the unknown speaks of unforeseen dangers. Of a risk not worth taking. So they live life as they always have. Their hearts may be full of dreams, ideas, hopes, but the fear of the unknown is just too great.
When these people come into therapy, they are talking about many things. It helps them to feel safe. It makes sure that their life doesn't really change even though change is what they desire most. But there, in the corner, sits the unknown. Always hiding. Always menacing. Always preventing the person from moving forward.

She had been coming for a while now. She liked it here, liked the friendly atmosphere, the people, the journey. She felt safe, seen. Then, one day, when she came in at her usual time, she looked into the other person's eyes. Trusting and yet, still wary. The woman looked at her and gently, carefully, spoke to her:
“I feel like you are running away from me. That we have been going in circles for a while. I would love to meet you. See you. What do you think?”
She took these words with her. Pondered them. Fought them. Ran away from them, too. But wherever she went, the words would be already waiting for her. And eventually, she stayed with those words.

Parker J. Palmer once wrote: “Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.” Moving forward, breaking the cycles we feel trapped in happens when we cease to talk about things we can't change and instead choose to be with ourselves – our feelings, our thoughts, our fears, our dreams. When we get to know the unknown. See it for what it is and become friends with it. When we are being with…