Saturday, 10 May 2014

Fitting out

“I think fitting in is highly overrated. I’d rather just fit out…
Fitting out means
being who you are,

even when people insist that you have to change.
Fitting out means
taking up space,

not apologizing for yourself, and not agreeing with those
who seek to label you with stereotypes.”
~ Golda Poretsky ~

So-called ‘firsts’ happen all the time, we are often just not aware of them. I had a first this week that threw me a bit – well, more than a bit, to be honest. I went to a study group that had been recommended to me, after a full-on day at work. I brought a whole load of un-processed stuff to the group, sitting with it without being able to sort through and make sense of it. Probably not a good start, but hey, life happens, right? ‘It will be fine.’ Well, at least that's what I kept telling myself. ‘It will be fine. You'll find your place.’
Well, I didn't. I sat there, overwhelmed by the day. Overwhelmed by the people, the topic, the pace of the conversation, the flood of emotions that was raising up within me. And I felt that there is no place for me. That I am this type of person who searches and searches and searches and never fully arrives. Fully arriving… What the heck does that mean anyway? What's the goal? I have searched high and low, in the most likely and most unlikely places. There must be a place where I fit in. A place I can call home. There just has to be.

I haven't found it yet. And still, there is a gentle voice that tells me that that's not entirely true. It's just that I have found it in more than one place. I have found in the quiet moments where I meet with a person's soul, without judgements or fears. I have found it in breath of mountains, the energy of beaches, the peace of lakes. I have found it in tears and laughter and silence shared with friends. I have found it in a cup of tea. In a cat curled up on my lap. And I have found it in myself. In the space between spaces, that space that is just mine and yet yearning to be discovered and loved and accepted for who she is. I have found it. It just looks different than I thought it would. And that's OK. Because ultimately, it's OK to fit out. As long as I have places where fitting out means that I am fitting in.

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