~ Stephen Hawking ~
I am a quiet person. I am married to a quiet person. Some of my friends are quiet people. And so are some of my clients. Being quiet is fine, me thinks. There is nothing wrong with it. Some people are just more quiet than others and that doesn't mean that there is nothing going on in their minds. Far from it. Quiet people have feelings and thoughts just like everybody else. There it is again – quiet people are people, too. They are just a bit more cautious when it comes to sharing what is happening in their busy minds. They wait for the right person, the right moment to come by and then, only then, they might share. Maybe.
This is what I have been doing for most of my life. I might come across quite extroverted at times, easy to be around, talking, laughing, having fun. But (and this is the important part), you won't meet the real me. Or rather, you will meet a part of me, but most of it, the part that sits in the corner, watching life's every move, the part that never takes it chances, that is cautious and shy, THAT you won't meet. It takes a long time until it dares to come out of its corner and it can be gone in an instant, in that brief moment when you laugh about something and look at it in a funny way (or at least that's what the part thinks). And then, the whole cycle starts again.
Over the years, I have learned to accept myself for who I am and to slowly step out of my comfort zone at the same time. I have had some wonderful experiences and I have also gone back into hiding, licking my wounds, time and time again. And overall, my cave has become less of a prison, but rather something I can dance in and out of, just as I need it. I have come to like my quietness while being able to choose it more freely.
Still, there is also a different type of silence. A silence that slowly sneaks up on you. A silence that is jealous, that isolates you, that wants you all to itself. That promises you that you don't need anything else. Anyone else. That tells you that silence is enough. And before you know it, you are trapped in its web. No way out.
Trapped by silence is where I find myself at the moment. I have no idea when it all started, but here I am, sitting in the spider's web. I have been finding it incredibly hard to share my heart for quite a while now. And not only with people I don't know too well/don't feel too safe with, but increasingly also with the closest people in my life. When I realised that this was happening, I initially tried to prevent the door from closing, but eventually I gave up. It's too hard right now. Too much effort. Where to begin? How to end? No idea, so better leave it as it is. The thing is that it gets very lonely after a while. It separates me from connection with my friends. From entering into a heart space. From meeting myself in others. And the mind? It never stops. It keeps going and going and going. And…
~ Sarah Dessen ~
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