One of those years

I haven't posted anything in a long time. And it's not that I didn't want to or didn't have anything to muse about. It's rather that the clock doesn't seem to stop these days. I blink and it's Friday. I blink again and it's Monday. And so forth and so forth and so forth…
I can hardly remember a time in my life when things have smoothly sailed along, journeying across the calm sea, with time to smell the roses. Right, there are no roses out on the ocean (except on fancy ocean cruise ships), but you get my gist. Time. To breathe and think and be. Time to enjoy the moment. Yes, I do experience those times occasionally (usually when I am away on a holiday that lasts longer than a week) and yes, I also love change and movement. So, most days it doesn't bother me that my life isn't anywhere near to this (alien) concept of smooth sailing. I love my life and I love that I hardly ever know what's around the next corner. But sometimes, just sometimes, I so wish for a break from all this.

Today has been one of those days. Don't get me wrong. I do have good people in my life. I practice gratitude on an almost daily basis. When I write ‘one of these days’, my definition is that life is tricky. And trickier. And even more tricky. So, in that sense of the word, it was one of those days. And you know what? I would be happy if it would have just been one of those days. Or even one of those weeks. But it feels to me like this is one of those months, one of those years even. I have had rough years in my life, years that I don't want to repeat. I don't want to forget about them either (there has always been too much good in them), but some years are just ‘one of those years’.
2006 was one of those years when Stefan and I were preparing our move across the world. And then…
We had to put one of our cats to sleep.
Two of our very close friends experienced deep emotional struggles.
Stefan lost his job.
We had a huge marriage crisis that almost ripped us apart.
In the midst of this, we tried to come to terms with the grief that accompanies leaving a place called home in hope of finding another home.

And now? We have found a home in New Zealand. And as difficult as those days were, they are part of my story now and they have shaped who I am. They have opened my eyes and deepened my relationships. They have brought me so much more in touch with myself and with others. Would I want to go back and relive 2006? Hell no.

It turns out that 2014 is one of those years as well. A lot of wonderful stuff has happened and yet, life is tricky. And trickier. And even more tricky. Since we have first arrived in New Zealand in the beautiful January of 2007, life has constantly moved on the fast lane. But: There have been occasional rest spots along the way. Time to fill up the car. Time to get some lunch before moving on. We have never managed to stop for long (metaphorically), but that's fine with me. But this year… This year is different. Life has moved from the fast lane to Formula One. Rest stops don't exist. You get fuel within a matter of seconds and then you're off again. And if you need to pee… Well, let's not go there. And today was one of those days that has been so characteristic for this year: Good stuff and challenging stuff and somewhere, in this confusing mix, there am I. Tightly gripping the steering wheel. Hoping that I won't crash. That at the end of this race, there will be a rest stop. One day.

Once again: Don't get me wrong, I do have people in my life. Good people. Sometimes I think the best of people. But at the end of the day, we are still holding the steering wheel of our own lives. And at one point or other, we get tired. And this is where I find myself at the moment. I am tired. So very tired. I can't keep holding on. So I release you. Into the wild. Be safe.